‘mumm-E-motions’

Becoming a mother is always a happy and exciting time to an extent – despite whatever the circumstances may be. Unfortunately though, motherhood isn’t all about dressing up your baby in cute clothes like a wee doll or having a bouncing bubbly smiley baby as an accessory. Motherhood comes along with a great deal of stress – ups and downs and roller-coaster rides like you wouldn’t believe (and don’t forget the everlasting battle with hormones!). In recent days, I’ve been feeling pretty crap for lack of a better word, and right now, the best thing I can do for myself is write about it. (I apologize if this post seems like a bit of a downer – but it does have a point, and an important one at that.)

Anyone who knows me at all knows that I HATE crying in public – however, on this occasion, I feel like I need to share this image.

This is an unedited photo of me after pretty much crying all night and a good portion of this morning – It’s not supposed to be flattering. It’s not supposed to be beautiful. It’s just supposed to be real. (Also, yes, I am literally just wearing a bra, but that is just how much I cared about putting on clothes at that moment in time.) Ironically, the camera makes me look BETTER than I actually did in real life.

One big weakness I have is that I truly struggle asking for help when I really need it. I don’t know why that is – maybe it’s because I don’t want to seem like a burden. Maybe it’s because I feel like my problem is genuinely stupid or idiotic and I don’t want to make a fool of myself. Maybe it’s because I don’t want people thinking I’m lazy for not being able to figure out or carry out the solution myself. Whatever the reason, problems become the root of negative emotions – and these emotions build up inside you. Unless you let these emotions out, like a game of Tetris, there are only so many blocks you can fit onto the screen before you ‘lose the game’.

It’s funny, because when I do get asked ‘what’s wrong’ (or I’m given the opportunity to release myself from my own burdens) – I never know how to answer. Sometimes I literally feel nothing but the need to cry into a pillow for three days. Other times there are so many things wrong that I can’t pinpoint what is actually wrong and the only way I can cope with it is by just crying it out. This in turn becomes a frustration to the other people around you who want to comfort you, who want to help you – and my partner understands this better than anyone.

I don’t mean to make it so hard though – I don’t mean to be so awkward. If I could, I’d probably write a book about what all my problems were and give it to him to read. Help him understand me better. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I don’t feel like I can talk to my partner or that I don’t trust him enough with my problems – it’s just that sometimes, I physically can’t breathe so that I can talk. This sounds so ridiculous to say, but sometimes my heart just hurts so much it literally feels like it needs to burst – and yet I struggle to relieve it. Emotions are exhausting – and looking after a baby in the meantime pretty much almost kills you due to the fatigue. (Don’t get me wrong though, nothing gives me more pleasure than taking care of baby Phoenix – ironically, he is the one thing I stress about the least!)

Now here’s the thing – I don’t claim to have post-natal depression. There are a lot of days when I can’t stop smiling and I’m genuinely happy. I know there are mothers out there who have it way worse than I do. I know there are mothers that genuinely suffer from this awful fate and it is NOT a nice experience. (For more information on pre/postnatal depression, please visit http://www.pandasfoundation.org.uk 🙂 )

I’m also not asking for sympathy or pity – I don’t want you to feel sorry for me.

This is just a wee post to say – it’s okay. It’s okay to feel emotions, it’s okay to feel sad or depressed sometimes. It’s okay to cry and unleash your innermost thoughts – even if talking is hard sometimes. It’s okay to need a break away – it’s okay to give yourself time to breathe. Motherhood was never meant to be easy – but nothing worthwhile is after all.

Here’s a cute baby picture to make you smile and brighten your day … even if it’s just a little! 🙂 ❤

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Thank you all for reading this blog post! I apologize for the wait. I hoped to make this a weekly thing, however due to no proper wifi/internet at home and a bit of a writer’s block I haven’t been able to achieve this just yet – but I’ll be posting as much as I can when I can, so please stay tuned for the next installment! ^u^